¸.•*' aanchal's diaries '*•.¸

I met my younger self for coffee. She walked in alone. Miserable and lonely. I was there, content with my own company. She took a seat, opposite to mine. Moving, fidgeting in her seat, she finally sat comfortably. Covering herself with her huge jacket, she looked up at me. I gazed at her, her flushed, rosy cheeks, The round, youthful face of hers. Innocence in her eyes, blissfully unaware of what was to come in her life. She admired me. Her eyes raking, Noticing how I tried to be put together. I seemed to have it all together. “You’re beautiful.” she says. There was something about the way she said it, The genuineness of her words, Cracking up my cold, wary heart. “Thank you.” I say, hiding the fact that her words melted me. We proceeded to order. She gets herself a milkshake. I get myself an iced coffee with oat milk, with two pumps of vanilla, caramel drizzle and a dash of cinnamon. I took in the simplicity of what she ordered and looked at mine retrospectively. As we waited, she ask...

unquantifiable How many more hugs is it gonna take me, To get over him. How many more sleepless nights, Just to forget what I almost had with him. How many times do I have to pick myself up, Until I can’t anymore, Until I don’t have to anymore. How many more “I’ll get through this”  Do I have to say every time I find myself sulking over it. How many more times do I have to show up, And “fake it till I make it” How many more cliché poems, Until I stop bleeding on paper with my ink. How many more breakdowns. Heartaches. Cries. Screams. Hurting. Healing. Rinse and repeat. How much more till I finally feel like myself again? How much?                                                            ...

Never mine. Never mind  Our little infinity, Which is what I dreamt it would be  Had to be one of my biggest losses I guess you were never mine to keep. You were like the autumn’s breeze, Cold and chilly  For a soul like me, which burned with fury. You were like a shot of espresso,  Strong and aromatic Adding life and warmth to every place you took a breath You were like a winter night, And I was the scorching sun on a mid day. Oh how we completed each other,  But we couldn't exist together. You were like the sweet first rain, Your earthy scent lingering everywhere. And I was a menacing thunderstorm, Destroying everything in my way. Your hands were cold Mine were burning Oh how blind were you, S. I guess you were never mine to keep Never mine, Never mind. 

I don’t think I’ve missed anyone  Like I miss him. I crave his presence, The warmth of his hands. The way our fingers were molded, Like we were made To hold each others’ hands. I crave the soul that made me believe that I was easy to love. I crave just staring into his eyes. A lot said those beautiful brown eyes, That saw right through me.  I crave his presence like a hungry tiger in a cage, Ready to pounce and accept the love even if thrown at me as if I’m a disgrace. I crave seeing him smile, The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, Lighting up his face and consequently my life. I crave his smell, The invigorating scent made me feel at home. I crave his affection, So gentle with my fragile, glass like heart But he dropped it.  And I’m afraid I’ll think of him When I’m standing at the altar in my wedding dress, With a man who loves me more than himself. I’m afraid I’ll miss him on my wedding day Yet I crave for him everyday.

The memories I have with him Hits me like a wave. A wave of sadness Washes over me Depriving me of my  Temporary joy. A wave of hope  Washes over me I reminisce about  The laughter, the cries The tears flowing through my eyes. Hands intertwined, His eyes looking into mine, So loving, so affectionate. His lips crashing into mine, The sweetness of his lips. The bittersweet flavour, Of his broken heart  Flowing into mine. I had known him  For only a fortnight, Yet it felt like a lifetime. My lover . He was all mine, Until it all tore down. My castle, my fortress My love, my muse Destroyed. Stolen away from me. And maybe he’ll find someone Perhaps better than me Who shall make him happy Happier than I did. And I’ll wait at the porch for his arrival A ray of hope still glimmering, Seeping through the cracks of my heart  Waiting. That's what I’m best at.              ...

I stand there  Waiting For someone’s arrival. I'm the only passenger on this empty airport Waiting for a flight That’s never to arrive. I stand at the pier Waiting for you to arrive To give me back my lost childhood An apology. My feet benumbed I become a part of the soil Waiting for your arrival That's long overdue. I stand at the pier Waiting for your solicitude Just an acknowledgement  From your side For the faint of my heart. I keep telling myself  That one day, Maybe just one day That I'll be waiting at the pier And you'll finally arrive And this time  There won't be a dagger into my heart An apology Will finally arrive And make it worth the while.